Thursday, September 3, 2009

Nao, Niet, Nej, Nein, No

There's a favorite children's book at our home that gets read over and over and over. It's about a police officer, Sherman Crunchley, who has a hard time saying No. Actually, he's completely incapable of using the word. He checks out a book at the library, How to Say No, only to find out it was how to say No in foreign languages. He orders a Must Say No video off a late night infomercial but receives How to Raise Snails instead. When he calls to complain, the nice lady on the phone says "Were you pleased with the tape sir?" He says yes and hangs up.

I lived a Sherman Crunchley existence until a few years ago. I had two school aged children, a newborn and a toddler who had just been diagnosed with autism. I was a "yes man" involved in PTA, class parties, field trips, play groups and church. I was up to my eyeballs in "yes" and I was spiraling.

I remember the moment vividly, sitting across from the therapist. She had a french pedicure and wore a soft pink sweater that accentuated her long, tan neck. She reminded me of an unassuming Ashley Judd. We had been discussing my life in a very calm, matter of fact way. I told her of the demands and the weight, the maddening, crushing weight of it all.

"You can say No." she said.

I fell silent. We sat there that way for a moment and then the tears began to flow. My shoulders fell forward in a quiet sob. I had been given permission to say No. Given permission by someone just far enough removed that I trusted it. She explained to me the importance of putting my children first. It was time to redefine myself she said.

And I did.

Last night I got a call from a mother in need asking me to care for her child the next day. Every part of my being wanted to say yes.

"No, I can't. I've promised Nick I would go to lunch with him."

"That's good to keep your word to your children." she said, and she meant it.


"No" sets us free. It helps us trust each other. It makes us more comfortable in the asking if we know that others will be honest concerning their schedule, their availability, their current mental state. "No" can be a very good thing.

So let me save you the $100 bucks. You can say No. It might be time to redefine yourself as a mother, a father, a grandmother, an aunt, a neighbor, a friend . . .

If you'd like to read about Sherman Crunchley's journey to No, leave a comment. I'll draw a name and mail a hard bound copy to one of you.

Will I send one to all of you?

No. No, I won't.



*Yes can be a magical word too, but that's another post for another day.

11 comments:

JDM said...

When I say no to something I try to remind myself that I don't always have to explain why. I can just say no, I'm not able to do that for you today. Sorry. It's a little freeing to me not to explain myself after a no. Don't ask me why. Because no, I won't tell you.

Mel P. said...

I remember my defining moment of "no" clearly as well. It was the day I declared Wonder Woman dead. She is a fictional woman. The rest of us are mere mortals where a world of "yeses" leaves us with very little for ourselves, our spouses, and our children. Viva NO!

BTW, I think we forgot that word when we agreed to organize the Meese Family Reunion!

Jessica said...

I'm far too passive-aggressive. I avoid the opportunity so I don't have to say "no" instead of just being open enough to say it. I still need to learn to say no.

HAVING THE TIME OF MY LIFE....... said...

It is funny, I have been thinking about the word NO lately. Since my time has become my time I have found that setting the boundaries with friends who are not in my situation and think that SINCE I don't have kids at home that it is OK if they drop them off for an hour to run errands. This morning great example: I mowed my lawn came in to change my clothes and go for a run. My friend was at the door with her 1 yr and asked if I wouldn't mind taking him while she went for a jog. I looked at her and said no I am sorry. Plain and simple. Also, I have told me self for years NO to PTA and some day I will join when that time comes........so I did 3 weeks ago call and ask if I could be part of the PTA. We all have our time and season for things and the word NO is a powerful tool for all involved. I need to get that book today!

Tiffany said...

I love this post. Thanks for a great reminder. There is a lot of freedom in that little word. I like how you said that it allows us to be more honest with each other, more honest with our yeses.

Kim said...

I always like to use Nancy Reagan's theme, it has to do with drugs but it works for me..."Just Say No!" 3 words that make life a bit more simple. Power to the NO!!

Jeni said...

I just want the book!

Ha, just kiddin'. It's a weakness that I occasionally still give into. Thankfully I have become comfortable to say no most of the time if it doesn't work. Glad you have too.

AP said...

I wish I would say no more often. It's something I'm working on, and something I am hoping Izzy and Dylan learn to do early. (Not to me, of course.)

Becky W. said...

Count me in for the book drawing! What a funny name, Sherman Crunchley. I see your meaning. However the only "no" I'm thinking of right now is the multiple times I tell Caroline "No" each day.

kara jayne said...

you are exactly right. this is something i will be putting into practice more often!

emily ruth said...

it is a very good word...
thanks for the reminder!

:)