Dear Murphy,

Remember last week when I found you in the living room sitting in the middle of the stuffing you'd ripped out the couch cushion with my favorite bra dangling out of your mouth? And remember when you jumped on my friend when she walked through the front door . . . the same you way jump on EVERYONE when they walk through the front door? And remember how you ate the neighbor girls little blue sock when I was babysitting her on Wednesday? And remember how you spent the ENTIRE day barking at joggers and walkers and dogs yesterday? And you know how you've torn up the backyard from your manic running routine when I let you out? And how about the thousands of piles of poo you've left over the last couple of months as a happy little Springtime surprise? And remember last night when we were sitting at the dinner table and someone said "what stinks?" and everyone started freaking out and it turns out the stink was you? And remember how I bathed you? And then how you ran straight downstairs and pulled apart another couch cushion while you were still smelling of fresh lavender? Well I'm done. And I told everyone so. And then the kids cried themselves to sleep. So you're staying for at least another day but I just wanted you to know that you're skating on some mighty thin ice buddy.

My aunt has told my mom approximately 20 times

who has relayed it to me approximately 20 times

that if she ever gets a dog she wants my brother to train it.

And I'm thinking, hey,

what's wrong with my mad training skills?!