Tuesday, March 31, 2009

six o'clock

I ate
romaine lettuce
broccoli
cauliflower
cucumber
carrots 
celery
mushrooms
tomato
yellow bell pepper
green onion

at nine o'clock I ate this











it was divine.  thanks emily.

it's now nine forty five
and I'm going to curl up with this









thank you jess.


"Friend.  GOOD!"
                         Frankenstein's Monster


I had passed it by


. . . but as I was sitting at the dinner table
I couldn't get it off my mind.

When I returned it was still there, perched on the curb
the quickly scribbled "free" sign
waving in the evening wind.

It doesn't match a single solitary thing
and that makes me smile.

Another thing that makes me smile?  
"I'm Never Going Back Again" by Fleetwood Mac
Number 21 on my playlist.
I could listen to it till the cows come home.
Bo is learning how to play it on the guitar
because he knows how much I  love it.

That REALLY makes me smile.


Sunday, March 29, 2009

Really?

She walked forward a couple of rows at the end of sacrament meeting to offer her condolences.  She had been watching the side show that is our family for the past 80 minutes.  "You have it so much harder than we do," she offered.  She has two children of her own.  Both of them autistic, one of them nonverbal.  

"Thanks?"

I'm sitting in the  front of my primary class 30 minutes later, testifying to my 8 and 9 year olds.  One has her hand on  the door knob while another is vying for the coveted spot to be first out of my class.  An especially spirited boy is balancing his chair on two legs while writing his name on the chalkboard.  I must admire his talent of multitasking. 

I walk to the bishop's office to gather my children, knowing they have surely swarmed in to find sustenance on a Fast Sunday.  Nick proudly sports his find of three cherry tootsie pops and Allie has trouble carrying out her mass of tootsie rolls.

I walk out of the church doors into the bane of my existence.  There had been no sign of it when I entered the building three hours ago.  It falls down my back as I open the door to the minivan sending an angry shiver through the whole of me.  "Murphy must be a pupsicle by now," I think out loud.  But no.  I find him cross legged in his kennel that we've forgotten him in since 8:00 last night. 

I'm not feeling very spiritual today.



Thursday, March 26, 2009

Tired for a minute










Tired of being woken up multiple times a night
Tired of waking up tired
Tired of snow
Tired of Autism
Tired of housework
Tired of the way I eat
Tired of a forgetful mind
Tired of coordinating schedules
Tired of worrying about things I have no control over


Wednesday, March 25, 2009

Two out of my Four

descended the stairs this morning 
complaining of no clean pants to wear.  
Picky picky.

I took an hour of my morning to fold a weeks worth of laundry.  It was then that I noticed that one of my children had only one pair of underwear among the newly folded piles.  
Not cool.


i'm good with that

i've accepted a new church  calling that requires me to attend the round table the first thursday of every month.  now that's a pizza joint, right?


Tuesday, March 24, 2009

Not for the faint of heart

There is a lovely plot of land down the road  that is home to a family of sheep and geese.  In the winter the owner hangs a lit star over their little manger.  It's a sweet sight to see the animals huddled inside beneath the warmth of it's symbolism.  As the snow begins to melt we watch the sheep as their belly's grow soft and round with the promise of new life.  Just about the time the tulip bulbs break through the hard crust of winter our little friends make their entrance into the world.

They arrive to great fanfare.  Families walk by each evening to watch the awkward newborns discover their gangly legs.  Mothers stand at the fence each morning with their strollers and toddlers in tow.  Cars pull over to the side of the street just to watch the enchanting dance of the new ones at play.  The first grade classes at the local elementary school go on a "walking field trip" each year to greet the little balls of white fluff.  My 6 year old made the trek just last week as did my two older sons when they were his age.  It's a magical experience for our little neighborhood.

I remember the very spot I was standing when I received the disturbing call.  I was in the middle of Gymboree, thumbing through the sale rack.  My friend was on the line, near hysteria as she informed me that "the truck" was paying a visit to the lambs. Bile rose to the top of my throat.  We both sat on the line, speechless.

I had been educated on "the truck" the year before when we purchased meat from that same friend and her husband.  She had explained in detail how "the truck" showed up to their lot and took care of business right there . . . on the spot.  It pulled away a few hours later leaving no trace of foul play.   A few days later we had uniformly wrapped packages with the words "hamburger," "T-bone steak," and "rump roast" stamped nicely across the front.  And to think "the truck" was now down the street visiting our little neighbors, right there, in broad daylight.  The horror!

Needless to say, Allie and I won't be walking over to meet the bonny new lambs this spring.  I'm still mourning their wooly kin.


I feel like a teenager again

My complexion is a mess.  
Freckles and smile lines have taken the back seat to acne like I haven't seen since I was 15.

Could it be the 5 pieces of "pizza pizza" I ate Saturday night?  Or how about the cookout Sunday evening complete with a juicy grilled burger, soda and Buffalo Bleu chips?  Let's don't forget the ice cream, carrot cake, brownie, and cinnamon streusel buffet enjoyed with last night's guests.


I don't feel so well.  
I need some vegetables.



Monday, March 23, 2009

Teacher prep day is KILLING me

I've had my legs chopped off by a light saber, been stabbed in the back by a sword and had my rear end kicked in a spirited game of Monopoly.

I've played hostess to neighborhood kids, cooked two batches of Mac & Cheese, sliced the apples and parted with the last of the potato chips.

I've been a fine art connoisseur to many do-a-dot, marker and color pencil creations.  I've had a birthday celebration as "Bob" the Lego Knight King and then spent a night sleeping upright in my throne, next to my horse named Bob.

I accepted the star shaped, multicolored play doh cookies with a smile

and it's only 2:30.




Spring's contradiction


sunburned shoulders on Saturday
snow on Monday

drawers bursting at the seems
as they work to contain summer & winter clothing

pasty white legs sticking out the end of bermudas
freckles popping out to greet spring's rays

box elder bugs frame the view out my kitchen window
 arachnophobia manifests itself once again

beach balls and swim goggles in the seasonal section
ice melt in the clearance bins

muddy puppy paws
mittens that refuse to be packed away

toes hang over 
last year's flip flops

the new grill sits impatiently
beneath winter's last attempt



Sunday, March 22, 2009

Just a nightmare

Brayden dreamed the other night
that he was passing the sacrament at our church
for the first time
and
that he accidently dropped the bread
and then stepped on it
and then he
spilled a tray full of water
all over an old lady's lap.

He looked over at me and I was crying.
When the deacons sat down 
I stood up
and announced to the entire congregation
that my son had completely messed up the sacrament.

This morning he was up at the break of dawn
to put on his crisp white shirt
and crimson tie complete with a new tie pin.
He took three bites of toast,
grabbed his scriptures and rip stick
and went forward to face his fears.

Let  me say, in front of the entire congregation
and the entire world for that matter
that he did a perfect job
of representing his Savior today

and I did cry . . . but just a little.

*side note:  Nick curled up in a ball of envy and sadness refusing to take the sacrament when it was passed his way.  "Why can't I pass it?" he cried.  By the time he decided he wanted the bread and water the services were almost over.   Brayden, seeing the dilemma, returned to administer the Sacrament to his little brother while the other deacons awaited in their line.  Peace and harmony were restored once again.

Friday, March 20, 2009

she raises chickens

that produce beautiful eggs
she owns goats too, and cows, and horses, and a cat, and a dog . . .

she knows everyone and she's involved in everything
she's got her finger on the pulse of the neighborhood

she's sensitive to the needs of others
she remembers names and details

she's frugal by nature and pleased by small things
it gives her the giggles when upstanding citizens lose their cool

we don't always see eye to eye, we've brought each other to tears
she forgives me indefinitely

she's a letter writer, a telephone talker, a listening ear on an evening stroll
she's opinionated about politics and the local recreational program

she's got a high IQ
she was the perfect child growing up

she doesn't like spicy foods
or conflict

she's my first call when I'm going insane
she is a second mother to my offsrping

she took back homemade cards she'd made me for my birthday 
when she came up short for card group

I gave her a bedskirt and asked for it back two years later
after purchasing a new duvet cover

she works out every day
she can carry on a conversation while running

she can appreciate a good dessert
she loves a good book, a good show, a good nap

she's not afraid of hard work
she's prepared for the end of the world

she has cutesy names for things
she is slow to anger

she's my hour long phone call on Monday mornings
she's the voice of reason

she and I are 
night and day 
salt and pepper 
ham and eggs

we just go good together

Thursday, March 19, 2009

Those Four Fateful Words

"It's the last one."

That's what the sales clerk said of the fabulous wreath
hanging in an intricate display.

"I'll take it," I said holding out my 20% off coupon.
It was still well out of my intended price range
but
it was the last one
and now it was mine.

Besides, I saved like a million dollars today
by baking my own bread.

12 loaves of bread & 14 dress shirts

Wikipedia, Domestic Worker: 
"Domestic workers take care of the household and its dependent members.  They perform domestic chores such as laundry, ironing, cleaning the bathrooms, sweeping and mopping the floor, buying food and drinks, accompanying the head of the household for grocery shopping, cooking and cleaning the house.  They may also run errands and walk the family dog.  For many domestic workers, a large part of their job is taking care of the children."


















Domesticity and I make friends 4 days out of the year.
I make 3 batches of bread that sustain my family for the next 3 months.


Now its off to the ironing, which is also done . . .
4 times a year.

spring clean up


We had filled both trash cans and stuffed 8 trash bags so full their sides were groaning under the pressure.  We had a whole hillside of leaves still left to dispose of.  "We're building a fire," I told my oldest scout, "and I want you to man it."  While he got to work gathering kindling I set about the daunting task of clearing the hillside.  

Small wisps of smoke called out to the boys in the neighborhood and soon there were eight pyros dancing around the fire pit excitedly.  Once the fire was strong enough we began throwing handfuls of leaves hoping they would be eaten up by the flames.  We only succeeded in smothering the boys hard work and in so doing created great clouds of white smoke.  Defeated, I grabbed fresh garbage bags from the shed.  The throng of boys made their way up to the house to round up hotdogs and marshmallows.  

They were seated comfortably in their camp chairs, hotdog sticks in hand, when we first noticed we had visitors.  "Is that an ambulance at the top of the gully?" one boy asked.  Two uniformed men emptied out of it and much to our chagrin, started making their way down to our impromptu scout camp.

Turns out someone had called the police on us.  

So here's the skinny.  We spent the evening packing 8 more trash bags well past their recommended weight.  We waited for our neighbors to put out their trash cans for garbage day and then in the anonymity of night we found homes for all sixteen black bags of refuse.  

That's right.  We're classy that way.

Wednesday, March 18, 2009

I did it. I broke it off.

I have a completely unhealthy relationship with Costco.  What used to be the $100 store somehow turned into the $200 - $300 store.  After filling up with fuel and picking out my roasted chicken I slapped my card on the counter and requested it be canceled.  

It's finally over.  

"Welcome to the club you never wanted to be in"


That's the way my good friend greets newcomers to our Autism Support Group.  

I didn't really know much about Autism until our son was diagnosed with it four years ago.  Since then, we've ridden the dizzying ups and downs of Autism with Nick.  It can be exhausting.  In the whole Roller Coaster scheme of things, Nick is at a low point.  It came out of the blue, as it always does, after we had been lulled into complacency by too many weeks of "easy."

Autism steals our children from us much the same way adolescence sweeps away it's victims . . . only autism does it in a much grander fashion.  The same little boy that teachers, friends and neighbors rave over locked me out of the house this morning.  He screamed and cried and kicked and screamed some more.  He threw off his backpack and emptied it's contents into the muddy flower bed.  As I was wiping the dirt from his homework I didn't know if I wanted to start hitting things or sit down among the tulip bulbs and cry.  

Many well meaning people have told me that "I must be someone special to have a son like Nick sent to me." Well I'm not. I'm just like the next mom, doing the best with what I've got.  Frankly, I haven't got a lot. Parenting skills I have acquired over the past 12 years vanish instantly in the face of conflict.  I stand like a fool wondering what my next move will be, my inadequesies pleased with their upper hand.

Nick sat in the school hallway for 30 minutes, refusing to join his peers.  I hid from view, stationing myself on a bench around the corner.  My pajama clad four year old sat next to me clutching her "fuzzy."  I averted  my gaze from passing parents and teachers, embarrassed by my circumstances.  

As I was driving away I saw another friend from the support group walking down the sidewalk.  I rolled down my window and yelled "Autism Stinks!" but I didn't say stinks.

"O.K." she replied,  
and we each continued on our way.


*upon returning home after errands this afternoon I found a package on the doorstep.  

The front of the card:   With Deepest Sympathy  
The inside:   Autism does "stink"!!  So if Autism is screaming or crying at you here's something to stick into it. Hope it goes better soon.  Julie. 

Inside the package?  Suckers.

That's why it's called a support group

Tuesday, March 17, 2009

feeling green around the gills

setting:  1st grade St. Patrick's Day party
responsibility:  cookie decorating station

Here's your "Sprinkles gone wild"

And your "Double Decker"

And then you've got the
"blow air into your empty drink pouch and tell everyone it's full"
Does it ever lose it's funny?

Who doesn't love green jello?  Oh yeah.  Me.
One cutie tipped it upside down into the palm of his hand.
Tasty.

I don't have anything to say about this.

Or this.

Little girls know how to do it gracefully.

Little boys, not so much.

I hope you all found your own sort of green today . . . one way or another.

half cooked hotdog = heaven


I planned out a wonderful meal for family night - whole wheat penne pasta, apple gouda sausage, fresh french bread . . . and then our neighbor called.  He was on his way over, chainsaw in hand, to take down two trees I'd been complaining about.  We donned our work clothes and headed out to work alongside him.  As we carved the trunks into perfect logs my soul longed for a summer cookout.  I left my men to the work and ran to the nearest grocer.  Hot dogs, buns, chips, marshmallows, drinks, self checkout, record time.

The smoke swirled up from the fire pit as we set up our camp chairs.  Plates, napkins and utensils were banned from our festivities.  One hand in the chip bag while the other roasted hotdogs over the crackling wood.  

"Mom, my hot dog is on fire."

"Mom, my stick isn't long enough." 

"Mom, my leg hairs are being singed."

"Mom, please pass the chips."

"Mom, I need ketchup and mustard."

"Mama, where is my hotdog?"

When everyone had enough food to keep them busy I speared a hotdog for myself.  Black and bubbly on one side, slightly warmed on the other, too hungry to care.  It tasted divine. 

And then the marshmallows.  Perfectly golden, soft and gooey, melt in your mouth.  Each last one cooked to perfection.

As we scrubbed the campfire from our children's hair that night I was giddy with the promise of summer.  

"Everything is right with the world," I said to no one in particular.  "Everything is right with the world."

Monday, March 16, 2009

weekend

missing tooth
dinosaur pancakes   sweats
yard work   fresh soil
pink cheeks   gardening gloves
giggling girls   sore muscles
date night   good friends
homemade granola   tart frozen yogurt

new pants   dress shoes
clean haircut   scriptures
articles of faith   pulpit   ordination
priesthood   grandparents
sunday walk   neighbors
roast & potatoes

euphoria

Thursday, March 12, 2009

You're Phat

Fortitude:
strength
of
mind
that
enables
person
to 
bear
pain
or
adversity
with
courage

You
amaze
me
with
your
fortitude


h a p p y b i r t h d a y b r a y d e n

This morning


Nick descended into a dark place when a couple of his legos pieces wouldn't fit together.  Flinging handfuls of legos, kicking, screaming, crying and then the full body throw down onto the tile. This took place approximately 3 minutes before he needed to walk out the door for school.  I had seen him in this place before and I knew there would be no quick recovery

I did all I could to try and coerce him into his jacket and backpack.  Two minutes until the bell.  With urgent orders for everyone to get into the car he meandered out after us . . . and refused to get in.  "I want to walk," he stated.  I'd start to pull away and then he'd scream at the top of his lungs that he wanted a ride.  He was working me.

And then the Love and Logic kicked in.  

If Nick wanted to walk, then by all means, he could walk.  I pulled away, leaving him standing on the curb.  The car fell silent as we drove the block and a half to the school.  I dropped off the stunned siblings and hurried back.  I'd been gone 4 minutes flat.  

There was Nick . . . and one of our neighbors.  She was standing over him, arms folded, face solemn.  Oh boy.  

"I just didn't want him to run into the street."

"I wasn't running into the street," he screams at the top of his lungs.

"Well he was so upset I didn't know what he what he might do."  More high pitched screaming from behind.  

I thank her and she returns to her wide eyed children waiting in their own driveway.  I invite Nick into the car. He refuses.  I park and wait.  The work man unloading another neighbors new wood flooring tries his hardest not to stare as Nick screams and screams and screams.  The neighbor to the other side of us runs out her front door, her face twisted in fear and concern.  I smile weakly and wave her on.  She quickly reenters her home. Five minutes turns into fifteen.  I turn on the radio to muffle his cries and to keep from crying myself.  

Finally his tears run out.  He climbs in through my door, lays his head on  my chest and we embrace without words.  We sit this way until his body is warm next to mine and the redness has left his eyes.  We drive to the school, I walk him into his class.  They are singing a song about the months of the year.  He hangs his coat and backpack and turns  to blow me a kiss.  He signs "I love you" and walks quietly to his seat.


I don't like Autism today.  And neither does Nick, I can tell.

Wednesday, March 11, 2009

I like your take on things

I quit reading and watching the news years ago.  Before we put a stop to our subscription I would sit down every morning to my bowl of Cheerios and the Obituaries.  When I was done pouring over those I would move on to the Police Log and then the to the National News.  I would start off each morning with the most shocking, disturbing, sad and depressing news the media could compile that day.  I was drawn to it.  Morbid, I know.  

It reminds me of when I was a teenager.  I would have a hankering to watch a scary movie and the second the movie ended I would be filled with regret.  I would have to spend the next month trying to get it out of my head. Or Haunted Houses at Halloween.  I loved Haunted Houses . . . until I was about two steps past the entrance. The news is like that to me.  I think I want to know all about this big, crazy world, but I don't.  It's too disturbing.  I spend way more time trying to get the information out of my mind than it takes to feed it in. 

So we save a nice little chunk of change each month by not subscribing to the newspaper and we enjoy more time together each evening as we avoid the nightly news.  My spirit is happier and my outlook on life more positive.  The downside?  I am completely ignorant to current events.  Like just the other day I heard some surprising news.  Did you know a black man was elected President?!

Here's how I try to keep a pulse on what's going on in the world.  I read YOU.  I find that you are a much more interesting read than the Tribune or CNN.  It's much more fun soaking in the news YOU've compiled for my day.  


Sports:  Kim

Business:  Bo, Jenny

Entertainment:  Joy, Kara

Politics:  Dad

Travel:  Tessems

Arts:  Telfords, Emilie

Home & Family:  Jessica, Hilary

Health & Fitness:  Deidra, Tim

Features:  Melanie


*the categories are based solely upon your most recent posts

Monday, March 9, 2009

37 going on 90

Bo:  "Do you want to keep this?"  
         holding up a newly emptied butter container

Me:  "For what?" 

Bo:  "I don't know.  To put leftovers in or something."  

Me:  "I don't think we meet the age requirement for saving those yet."

Please understand that I'm not against being frugal, especially in today's market.  Used food containers just invoke strong memories for me, most of which are tied to my grandmother's fridge.  A 12 year old girl looking for Cool Whip and Surprise! it's casserole from the week before.  Sour Cream?  Nope.  Broccoli and raisin salad.

We have tupperware that has promised to exceed it's allotted, oversized cupboard and a drawer full of lids that will be lucky if they ever see their mates again.  I don't think we need to add a whipped butter container to the mix.


Flash forward to this morning:
I sit down to my morning ritual of 1/2 a bowl of non-sugar cereal, 1/4 cup of non-sweetened grapefruit juice, a calcium pill, two fish oil capsules, a multivitamin for women and a B-12 supplement.  I've been having the same thing for breakfast since 2002.  How old am I?  Ninety?!

In my defense, it's a good thing that I'm eating breakfast at all.  I didn't partake of  breakfast consistently for the first 32 years of my life.  Sure, my mom tried to impart this most important of habits, but breakfast just isn't my thing. I hate sweets in the morning which includes all things covered in syrup.  I'm not a big fan of fruit either.  (Gasp)  Now if I could sit down to some celery and cucumbers I'd be all over it . . . but raw veggies haven't caught on to the breakfast buffet for some reason.  Now an omelette is a socially acceptable way to get red peppers, artichoke hearts, feta and mushrooms onto the table at the break of dawn.  Unfortunately I can't make an omelette to save my life.


So I've finally found something I could stomach.  Cheerios and grapefruit juice.  I keep serving it up for myself each morning after I've fed my clan a warm breakfast.  

I'm bugging myself. 

There ought to be an age requirement for getting into an eating rut.  Maybe there is.  Maybe I've met it.  

I'd better tell Bo to hold on to that yogurt container when he's finished.


Sunday, March 8, 2009

1 Cabin 10 Boys 22 Hours














pork burritos, pool, ping pong, cake & ice cream, presents, Dance Dance Revolution, stinky feet, pillow fight, wrestling, frozen pipes, yellow snow, truth or dare, hide and seek, candy, hysterical laughter, 1:00 a.m., freezing, stoking fire, morning breath, buttermilk pancakes, snow boots, sledding, tackling, sunshine, sparkling snow, packing, traveling, snoring


Birthday bliss


Too romanticized?  Read here.